Can we ever truly be Whole?

Often we can often encounter language in self-help literature that uses terms such as the following:

“How to become your most authentic self.”

“Access your highest self.”

“Get to know yourself.”

For many people this idea of “self” is powerful, promising us that if we work hard enough, we can become more connected to our own consciousness, more ourselves somehow. This language also suggests that the ultimate state of wellbeing is to be internally unified, a single whole self.

It’s always “I want to be my true self,” never “I want to be my true selves.”

This idea of wholeness of self is a concept I have personally always struggled with. For many years I asked myself how could I possibly accept myself as a whole and pursue authenticity when there were parts of myself that I didn’t trust, I deeply resented, and was deeply afraid of? And worst of all, how could I possibly accept the parts of me that were seemingly completely out of my control and could betray me and my values in the blink of an eye? How could I accept myself when I often wanted one thing, but so often found myself in times of stress doing the opposite?

In short, my self was not something I could grasp or find consistency within at all let alone unconditionally love.

Learning about The Internal Family System was something of a revelation to me, it invited me to stop trying to see myself as a single self and In doing so I realised that my internal contradictions, which for so long had caused me to act in opposing and self-defeating ways, were actually hard-working and very misunderstood Parts of my self.

For the first time ever I considered: “what if I don’t have to be a unified whole who is consistent, unified and settled? What if I am a system of ever-changing set of individual parts, all of whom have needs and a purpose for being?”

The creator of Internal Family Systems, Dr. Richard Schwartz, proposed the idea that humans are not as simple as having being one single “self.” His theory is that as we journey through life we can encounter painful experiences which result in us taking on “burdens.” For example, a first hurtful experience of exclusion at school can result in us taking on the burden of “staying likeable to others and fitting,” something we then try to maintain through protective behaviours and strategies (conforming, people-pleasing, fawning) to protect ourselves from experiencing the same hurt of exclusion again.

Schwartz proposes the idea that not only do we unconsciously break off the little parts of ourselves, (exiles), that experienced this hurt first hand and hide them away, but that we also unconsciously develop new parts of our self (Managers and Firefighters) who develop specific sets of behaviours, feelings and traits who carry the burden of making sure we never say, be or do the things again that made us unacceptable in the first place.  

To find out more about Exiles, Managers and Fire Fighters I recommend the following reads:

While IFS aims to ultimately help an individual feel more in control of their lives, it does this through being mindful and curious about the contradictions that we experience internally, rather than expecting us to always be “single-minded” and “whole.”

Through embracing these contradictions and befriending our seemingly destructive parts, aka. Our perfectionist, or body critic, or compulsive eater, we ironically can start to feel more whole, less pulled this way and that, more settled within ourselves, but without putting the pressure on ourselves to be whole from the get-go.

While everyone is different, realising that I am not “whole” and might never be did not feel like a failure. Rather it gave me permission to be me in all my contradictions and complexity, a much richer, compassionate and curious form of self-acceptance than the one I have struggled for in vain.